HMS Penny Dreadnought

 HMS PennyDreadnought

Message From The Bridge

My early disembark from the Good Ship HMSPenny4PM has temporarily furled my topsail and delayed my path through the wine dark briny.  However, Im not dropping anchor, instead I shall reset my azimuth angle and renew my course.

As I enter deeper waters I intend to settle matters relating to the crew and lieutenant on board HMS LizWuss.  I have prepared an orange flare as a warning after 

bellicose messages semaphored off shore landed on my deck.  When the time comes Ill tack to starboard and broadside.    

My support for the next Admiral SahibRish is conditional  

First all naval personnel must pipe me aboard to Rule Brexitannia

I shall require all female navy ratings to wear dresses and male navy ratings trousers to distinguish them by sex. This neatly gets round the controversy over gender self-identification

A cutter up the Thames in full livery is to be crewed by women NCOs skippered by me.

A 21 gun salute from Greenwich will announce the formalisation of my naval rank from honorary Captain (Reservist) to full rank Commodore.

Finally, I would expect a senior rank in the new crew of HMS SahibRish. 

I would be more than happy to accept the offer of First Mate.  

An Ancient Address

Annual address to Honourable Members of the Imperial Victorian Miscellany 

 

Good Evening Honourable Members, and Others.  I am particularly privileged this evening to welcome our distinguished guest speaker Nobilissimus Jacobus Rex Moggus MP, recipient of the Order of the Fenland Palatine (prolonged clapping) 

 

Thank you Sir Peregrine Bumptious-Motley, I welcome your elevation to the Duchy of Plenitude.  Fellow Etonians, Bonum vesperam, floreat etona, (cheers) and thanks to our nannies (shouts of hear hear), good evening, er, Others.

 

My topic is the revival of English measurements (sustained applause).  These ancient and revered units were rudely supplanted during our tiresome and prolonged membership of the European Union (restless murmurings).   Most recently exacerbated by the introduction to these shores of the wretched coronavirus.  An invasion I’m obliged to say assaulting us from the other side of the English channel (restrained booings)  

 

In observing physical distancing we have been forced to adopt the EU 2 metre rule.  This I steadfastly opposed arguing forcibly for the more sensible English 6 foot measure.  Unlike the confused and anfractuostic continental metric system the English measurements are remarkable for their clarity.  We know that a foot is 12 inches or 16 digits.   For this, et alia, we are indebted to the roman pes(duodecem unciae) (wise nodding from Etonians).  Let me be clear, a digit, in Latin digitus, nota bene Others, hmmm, a sixteenth of a foot or ¾ of an inch, a cubit (24 digits) an ell (60 digits).  All historic values indigenous to this pleasant island kingdom.   

To expatiate, if I may, 1 foot is 12 inches or 16 digits.  Thus 6 feet is 72 inches or 96 digits. So, 1 foot is one third of a cubit where 1 cubit is 18 inches, an Englishman’s fingertip to his honest elbow. There are 2 cubits to a yard, 6 feet is 4 cubits, or 2 yards, one eleventh of a cricket pitch (we have some left arm off spinners present) (laughter).  A cricket pitch is 44 cubits, or 66 feet or 22 yards, or one tenth of a furlong.  Clever school children (like all my six) have no difficulty in calculating distances from their manor to their public schools by train unaccompanied or driven by chauffeur (Others looking bemused) 

Our superior system includes the eccentric rod which is 16.5 feet, or 11 cubits, the whimsical chain which is 4 rods or 66 feet, the nostalgic furlong which is 220 yds, a thoroughbred Ascot 8 furlongs to an English mile (some shuffling of feet) 

What could be simpler compared to the European muddle where 1 millimetre = 10 centimetres, 100 centimetres = 1 metre, 1000 metres = 1 kilometre.  Ridiculous! 

 

At that point a heckler called out from the rear of the auditorium “rubbish you overprivileged toff! “ Several Bullington Bouncers ejected him to cries of “buller buller buller! “ As he was expelled the heckler managed to shout “change your Savile Row tailor too, you tosser!”

 

Unruffled, JRM MP and Sir P graciously withdrew to the Blue Room where young women dressed in short smocks, frilly aprons and suggestive bonnets dispensed them gills of brandy from bulging puncheons. The Others were left to linger and fight raucously over a firkin of ale in the kitchens downstairs.  

 

Bunter's Grown Ups

Class of Grown Ups '22

Booster Bunter: St Cakes, 4^th remove - demotion and rustication pending

Jakie Smugg: St Cakes, C18^th prorogued in landau 

Whizzy Truss: St Self, reserve elevens, dis-assigned tank duties

Macca Spencer: Dumbledore Agricultural Facility, chair (expired) for Everything

Natalie Elthicke: Dover Nursery (ESN), managing truckers burger stall M20

 

Additional Appointments

SPADS:

Froggy Chummie Cholmondley: SPAD for praising of Bunter

Binty Boosterly: SPAD (backup for Chummie)

Wazza Banger Muttley: SPAD for randomly shouting “Bunter hear hear”

Minnie Totty-Knickerson: SPAD for donor appointments 

Biffo Wittering-Smellie: SPAD for denials 

Fudgery Flippington:  SPAD for lies and misinformation

 

Interred Spads (alleged): 

 

Reggie Perrin: (demise under investigation by Met ) Transport Ministry, appointment delayed by leaves on the Line 

Benny Hill: (demise under investigation by Met) Culture Ministry, appointment subject to milk round 

Bruce Forsyth: (demise under investigation by Met) Finance Ministry, for “boosterism -higher, higher, higher!” 

 

Further appointments to follow (subject to Met clearance)... 

 

Diverted call

Downing Street Diverted call 

 

Number 10 Cabinet Office phone rings

Chief Cabinet Secretary: Hello (muted conversation follows)

CCS: (rings PM’s hot line) Hello … PM I’ve got Chief Whip on the blower.   

PM: (tetchily) What is it, lapadoodle?

Chief Whip: PM have you got a minute?
PM: Sod off I’m still writing Sue Gray’s report.

CW: Sorry sir but this is mildly important.  Some back bench traitor has found a tape which appears to suggest that you advised me to threaten rebellious MP’s with disfunding if they didn’t support you.

PM: Mmmm is this fag one of us?

CW: Well he’s a blue back bencher... 

……….  line goes dead

CW: Are you there PM?

Pause …electronic clicking and whirring 

CW: hangs up

PM: CCS put me through to MI5

…more electronic clicking

PM: McCallum?  This is the PM

KMc: (sounding vaguely foreign) Ah my droog, er ah I mean PM, what can MI5 do for you today?

PM: That is you Ken isn’t it, you sound different …  ?? … I need a secure line for some snooping and casual rule breaking, eh what?

KMc: In a moment I’ll have that sorted for you. 

Beeping and whistling down the line …

Background music sounding suspiciously like rossiya svyashchennaya nasha derzhava

PM: Yikes what the hell was that ?

KMc: Don’t worry it’s our sophisticated encryption...

PM: Mmmmm I could have sworn that was the ruskies...

KMc: Nyet, no, er, no, this line is secure...

PM; Right, there’s a tape I would like you to capture and destroy. 

KmC: Do you have its location?

PM: That’s your job to find and destroy.  All I can tell you is that a Tory bastard back bencher has it.

KMc: Leave it with us here at the KB. ..er ..MI5 

PM: Now let me get back to writing my report investigating me.

KMc: I’ll keep you posted. Do we keep on with spreading rumours about Tory rebels? 

PM: Er yes off record natch and ping me when it’s done.

KMc: MI5 will always go the extra mile for our great Commander in Chief my Borzoi-iski ..haha 

Line goes dead…….

PM: (agitated) What in hell did you say …Ken are you there….??

Bunter's Day

Bunter’s No 10 Diary

 

0600: carrie attended to wilf I’m too knackered 

00700: carrie attended to wilf as I’ve spilt a cup of black coffee on her Diane Furstenburg rug (Jamie Dyson, Singapore) 

8000: carrie attended to wilf while I grab a kip on Roche Bobois sofa (Offshore Group Newcastle) 

0900: sneak upstairs for a quick snapchat on the Christy Jaipur throw while carrie feeds wilf

1000: take a call from Govey reminding me that it’s sodding PMQs at 1200. Cripes and bollocks still no more procurement deals

1030: flick through conde nast’s Traveller for hols (freebies natch) while Primrose our new maid from Bahamas pert bum phwhooaaar! makes omelette take a call from gnasher raab some bollocks about migrants although was mention of more procurement

1100: Tin house TV team make me up as engineer in hi-viz for quick photo op in number 10’s improvised ‘studio’ promoting northern powerhouse rail yikes

1145: limo picks me up for HoC while in limo talk to mackers about fishers quel ennui 

1200-1300: line drawn through that hour aaargh.  Captain Hindsight tries too hard but the razzers were back in full throat. Some oppo tosser called me Creasey’s’ baby.  

1330: lunch with Pauley Dacre at the savoy (on him natch) 

1500: cigars and brandy in the beaufort with Gordon R’s snacks (Michael ‘Copper’ Farmer pays) took a brief covid call avant le sorbet from Titty Whitty bang bang whew 

1530: limo back to number 10 yet another call from mackers cant he see I’m busy. 

1600:I shuffle a few papers from red box over a tankard or two of frasquiera (lea and sandeman) 

1630: afternoon tea delivered from Cliveden served delectably by Primrose (the svelte mud shark) while carrie attends wilf 

1730: videocall from Rishi talking silly numbers but suggests more procurement deals 

1800: play taped excerpt from Peppa Pig to wilf before nodding off 

1830: pre-theatre dinner at Claridges (thanks Jamie Reuben)

1945:  Almeida Theatre for performance of Macbeth (Pete Cruddas) forgot to bring mask

2245: limo to Number 10 crash out knackered with bottle of montrachet (lea and sandeman again) 

2330: carrie attends to wilf

2345: deep sleep dreaming of Primrose

Definitions

Definitions

*Peppa Pig: (compound noun) a new community which the PM is promoting

 

Levelling up: (phrasal verb) government’s social policy which ensures that those at the top stay where they are and those at the bottom stay where they are 

Northern powerhouse: (compound noun) a mythical construct promoted by politicians (see below) during electioneering then ignored once the election is won 

Tweet: (noun or verb) an inflammatory comment deleted by the person who when questioned denies any knowledge of it

Sleaze: what the governing party claim the opposition does

Hi-viz: (compound noun) varied attire representing a vast range of occupations worn spontaneously by the PM on pre-arranged photo ops

Lie: (verb intrans) an utterance produced whenever PM opens his mouth

Northern Powerhouse Rail: (composite expression) a venture characterised by overpromising and underdelivering

To shapp: (verb, ambiguous) to express misleading optimism in the face of contrary evidence 

Second Job: (adj+ noun) what an MP does

BBC: (compound noun) an organisation unwilling to hold power to account 

Cakeism: (noun) 

1) wanting to look good on climate change by withholding cash from the transport system 

2) wanting to spend big and keep taxes low. 

3) wanting to leave the EU and to keep Northern Ireland exactly as it was 

4) wanting to hold the red wall and to keep giving preferential treatment to their own blue-wall faithful

Social Care: (compound adj+noun) 

a way of helping the better off such that the £86,000 cap on lifetime care costs leaves tens of thousands of England’s poorest pensioners paying the same as wealthier people

Business: (noun) which the PM says should be f**ked 

Falklands: (noun) island in the south Atlantic where refugee migrants to the UK could be deported (see Home Secretary)

 

Moses: (noun) another name the PM uses to describe himself

*Peppa Pig: (compound noun) a new community which the PM is promoting

Shambolic: (adj) any one of the PM’s speeches

Taxation: (noun) an imposition which many wealthy individuals (even encouraged by some Tory MPs) find ways of avoiding 

Home Secretary: (compound noun) no entry

 

Carriage Scene

 Sunak Waves Goodbye to Johnson

Sunak and Johnson

Scene: First class carriage on the Avanti Euston-Glasgow train, approaching Crewe

Passengers: PM, his entourage AND a nondescript individual standing unobserved with iphone and notebook in the corridor.

Ticket Collector: All tickets please.

Entourage ignores him while chatting and greedily consuming first class freebies

TC: TICKETS please

Entourage Member: (patiently, for it is Rees-Smugg) my good man we are all travelling up to Glasgow on important government business and have no need of tickets

TC: Even so you are travelling first class and you need tickets

R-S: (sternly) Do you know who I am?

TC: (addressing entourage) Can anyone help identify this man?

R-S: This man, (pointing to PM) is our Prime Minister.

 

TC: And I’m the Lion King who needs feeding with tickets @ £180 each single. 

 

PM: (opening another complimentary bottle of wine) Make mine a treble old boy.

 

TC: We don’t do trebles but I might be able to do you a special return, wink wink nudge.

R-S: outrageous.  Our party is ten x £180 which is …alas I flunked maths at Eton.

PM: Chicken feed.

TC: As long as someone else is paying, eh. Yes the ordinary punter has A TICKET and that’s what you need.  Otherwise you will be escorted off this train at Crewe.  So I’m ready for payment either by card or cash.

A bewildered R-S looks at PM who shakes his head.

PM: You pay old boy faciet stipendium as Pliny the Elder would have it.

R-S: With respect sire you never pay for anything, someone else always pays.

PM: Quite, and that will be you.

R-S: Oh bother.

 

Entourage begins confused mutterings, some try to rush for the door but nondescript is busy photographing.

 

PM: Quentin is that you?

 

QL: Yes PM I’m just about to send off some copy with photos of this jolly little scene for tomorrow’s paper.  Unless of course you come up with some consideration. 

 

PM: OK how much.

 

QL: that’ll be 10 grand plus an OBE.

   

PM: OK,  Moggsie pay up.

R-S: Oh lor.

 

TC: While you’re at it, just pop your pin into this little machine to cover the £3600.

R-S: (pays) Such impertinence.

PM opens another complimentary bottle

PM: Cheerio chaps and chin chin.