Number 10 Cabinet Office phone rings
Chief Cabinet Secretary: Hello (muted conversation follows)
CCS: (rings PM’s hot line) Hello … PM I’ve got Chief Whip on the blower.
PM: (tetchily) What is it, lapadoodle?
Chief Whip: PM have you got a minute?
PM: Sod off I’m still writing Sue Gray’s report.
CW: Sorry sir but this is mildly important. Some back bench traitor has found a tape which appears to suggest that you advised me to threaten rebellious MP’s with disfunding if they didn’t support you.
PM: Mmmm is this fag one of us?
CW: Well he’s a blue back bencher...
………. line goes dead
CW: Are you there PM?
Pause …electronic clicking and whirring
CW: hangs up
PM: CCS put me through to MI5
…more electronic clicking
PM: McCallum? This is the PM
KMc: (sounding vaguely foreign) Ah my droog, er ah I mean PM, what can MI5 do for you today?
PM: That is you Ken isn’t it, you sound different … ?? … I need a secure line for some snooping and casual rule breaking, eh what?
KMc: In a moment I’ll have that sorted for you.
Beeping and whistling down the line …
Background music sounding suspiciously like rossiya svyashchennaya nasha derzhava
PM: Yikes what the hell was that ?
KMc: Don’t worry it’s our sophisticated encryption...
PM: Mmmmm I could have sworn that was the ruskies...
KMc: Nyet, no, er, no, this line is secure...
PM; Right, there’s a tape I would like you to capture and destroy.
KmC: Do you have its location?
PM: That’s your job to find and destroy. All I can tell you is that a Tory bastard back bencher has it.
KMc: Leave it with us here at the KB. ..er ..MI5
PM: Now let me get back to writing my report investigating me.
KMc: I’ll keep you posted. Do we keep on with spreading rumours about Tory rebels?
PM: Er yes off record natch and ping me when it’s done.
KMc: MI5 will always go the extra mile for our great Commander in Chief my Borzoi-iski ..haha
Line goes dead…….
PM: (agitated) What in hell did you say …Ken are you there….??
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