Extended PMQs as we would like it
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| Speaker Sir Lord (in waiting) Whimsey |
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PM Rt Hon Boris Johnson aka Billy Bunter (BB)
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Leader of Opposition Rt Hon Sir Kier Starmer aka Captain Steadfast (CS) |
Honourable Red Wall Member: Mr Speaker on behalf of the House I warmly thank our PM for working so hard in grabbing the covid beast by the throat, for entrapping the invisible mugger, for beating the enemy and for singlehandedly bringing this great nation back from the brink.
Loud braying from government benches.
Rt Hon BB: Mmm I thank the honourable member for his well chosen words. When it comes to winning the battle I would gladly claim the corona aurea.
Rt Hon CS: The PM’s modest comment leads to me to my question. Would he care to confirm his own stated view that it was ludicrous for him to become PM and that he was unfit to lead the country, a view not only asserted by himself but by his former boss Max Hastings?
BB: Er um burble bumble um rubbish if I said that and I would question that I did say that but if I did it was said in jest um but I didn’t say it of course.
What I can say and what the Rt Honourable forgets to mention is that I have built 40 new hospitals where our wonderful NHS will care for the predicted 100,000 daily infections by the end of July. I reject the Rt Honourable member’s heinous insinuation that any attempts at privatising the NHS by donors will be selectively non-tendered, encouraged er um ahem discouraged.
CS: I do understand that being PM normally is demanding but must be performed responsibly. However, the media shows a person in full dressing-up kit presumably provided by the propaganda unit at Number 10. This dressed-up individual who resembles the PM has appeared in various locations up and down the country performing a variety of occupations as an alternative to doing any actual work. These include a bricklayer, a mechanic, a medical orderly, a sausage maker, a pharmacist, a baker, a digger driver and more, rivalling even Mr George Osborne.
As the PM's previous job was as a hack journalist writing up unsubstantiated misrepresentations for a miserly £250,000, cheerfully played down as chicken feed, could this multitasking individual possibly be the PM?
Silence from government benches raucous laughter from the opposition.
BB: The right Honourable member ignores the fact that I have found time to build the Thames garden bridge, the Boris Island Airport and the world beating tunnel or bridge between Scotland and Northern Ireland.
CS: in that case could you add engineer to your CV?
Mr Speaker, The PM claims that this Conservative government has built 244,000 new homes in the last year which is a record over the last 30 years.
However, the most recent figure for the number of homes built in England was 148,620 for the whole of 2020.
I note that 82% of the completions were from private enterprise, not the government,17% from housing associations and 1% from local authorities.
Bunter: my government and the private sector work hand in glove er hand in pocket, er (interjection) for your benefit.
CS: The PM has written in the foreword to the ministerial code
‘There must be no actual or perceived conflicts of interest. The precious principles of public life – integrity, objectivity, accountability, transparency, honesty and leadership in the public interest – must be honoured at all times.”
Mr Speaker, with reference to that code and to the PM’s failure to answer my questions at PMQs may I respectfully ask for your ruling on the following. Could the PM answer just one of the following.
Speaker: Granted.
CS: Why did the PM ignore Alex Allen’s conclusion that Priti Patel, the home secretary, had broken the ministerial code by bullying staff?
Why was Lord Cruddas appointed to the House of Lords when the commission tasked with vetting people for the Lords, said it was opposed to his appointment?
Why did the government rule that the electoral commission no longer has powers to initiate criminal prosecutions?
Would the PM comment on the Commons standards Committee remark that the PM displayed “an over-casual attitude towards obeying the rules of the house exemplified by his refusal to accept Commons' committee findings. In particular what he hadn't disclosed about his holiday in Mustique and who paid for the funding of the refurbishment of his Downing Street flat.
Do any of those omissions suggest that the ministerial code was breached?
Bunter looks furtively around the house. Suddenly Jacob Rees-Mogg approaches the Speaker’s chair, seizes the mace and shouts at the opposition benches:
“I challenge anyone opposite to a duel, choose your attire, formal, weapon, sword, arquebuse or arbalest!
Interjection: Perhaps scissors, paper or stone from a supine position?
The House descends into a disorderly riot. The PM leads an undignified rush to the exits.
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