An Ancient Address

Annual address to Honourable Members of the Imperial Victorian Miscellany 

 

Good Evening Honourable Members, and Others.  I am particularly privileged this evening to welcome our distinguished guest speaker Nobilissimus Jacobus Rex Moggus MP, recipient of the Order of the Fenland Palatine (prolonged clapping) 

 

Thank you Sir Peregrine Bumptious-Motley, I welcome your elevation to the Duchy of Plenitude.  Fellow Etonians, Bonum vesperam, floreat etona, (cheers) and thanks to our nannies (shouts of hear hear), good evening, er, Others.

 

My topic is the revival of English measurements (sustained applause).  These ancient and revered units were rudely supplanted during our tiresome and prolonged membership of the European Union (restless murmurings).   Most recently exacerbated by the introduction to these shores of the wretched coronavirus.  An invasion I’m obliged to say assaulting us from the other side of the English channel (restrained booings)  

 

In observing physical distancing we have been forced to adopt the EU 2 metre rule.  This I steadfastly opposed arguing forcibly for the more sensible English 6 foot measure.  Unlike the confused and anfractuostic continental metric system the English measurements are remarkable for their clarity.  We know that a foot is 12 inches or 16 digits.   For this, et alia, we are indebted to the roman pes(duodecem unciae) (wise nodding from Etonians).  Let me be clear, a digit, in Latin digitus, nota bene Others, hmmm, a sixteenth of a foot or ¾ of an inch, a cubit (24 digits) an ell (60 digits).  All historic values indigenous to this pleasant island kingdom.   

To expatiate, if I may, 1 foot is 12 inches or 16 digits.  Thus 6 feet is 72 inches or 96 digits. So, 1 foot is one third of a cubit where 1 cubit is 18 inches, an Englishman’s fingertip to his honest elbow. There are 2 cubits to a yard, 6 feet is 4 cubits, or 2 yards, one eleventh of a cricket pitch (we have some left arm off spinners present) (laughter).  A cricket pitch is 44 cubits, or 66 feet or 22 yards, or one tenth of a furlong.  Clever school children (like all my six) have no difficulty in calculating distances from their manor to their public schools by train unaccompanied or driven by chauffeur (Others looking bemused) 

Our superior system includes the eccentric rod which is 16.5 feet, or 11 cubits, the whimsical chain which is 4 rods or 66 feet, the nostalgic furlong which is 220 yds, a thoroughbred Ascot 8 furlongs to an English mile (some shuffling of feet) 

What could be simpler compared to the European muddle where 1 millimetre = 10 centimetres, 100 centimetres = 1 metre, 1000 metres = 1 kilometre.  Ridiculous! 

 

At that point a heckler called out from the rear of the auditorium “rubbish you overprivileged toff! “ Several Bullington Bouncers ejected him to cries of “buller buller buller! “ As he was expelled the heckler managed to shout “change your Savile Row tailor too, you tosser!”

 

Unruffled, JRM MP and Sir P graciously withdrew to the Blue Room where young women dressed in short smocks, frilly aprons and suggestive bonnets dispensed them gills of brandy from bulging puncheons. The Others were left to linger and fight raucously over a firkin of ale in the kitchens downstairs.