Bunter's Day

Bunter’s No 10 Diary

 

0600: carrie attended to wilf I’m too knackered 

00700: carrie attended to wilf as I’ve spilt a cup of black coffee on her Diane Furstenburg rug (Jamie Dyson, Singapore) 

8000: carrie attended to wilf while I grab a kip on Roche Bobois sofa (Offshore Group Newcastle) 

0900: sneak upstairs for a quick snapchat on the Christy Jaipur throw while carrie feeds wilf

1000: take a call from Govey reminding me that it’s sodding PMQs at 1200. Cripes and bollocks still no more procurement deals

1030: flick through conde nast’s Traveller for hols (freebies natch) while Primrose our new maid from Bahamas pert bum phwhooaaar! makes omelette take a call from gnasher raab some bollocks about migrants although was mention of more procurement

1100: Tin house TV team make me up as engineer in hi-viz for quick photo op in number 10’s improvised ‘studio’ promoting northern powerhouse rail yikes

1145: limo picks me up for HoC while in limo talk to mackers about fishers quel ennui 

1200-1300: line drawn through that hour aaargh.  Captain Hindsight tries too hard but the razzers were back in full throat. Some oppo tosser called me Creasey’s’ baby.  

1330: lunch with Pauley Dacre at the savoy (on him natch) 

1500: cigars and brandy in the beaufort with Gordon R’s snacks (Michael ‘Copper’ Farmer pays) took a brief covid call avant le sorbet from Titty Whitty bang bang whew 

1530: limo back to number 10 yet another call from mackers cant he see I’m busy. 

1600:I shuffle a few papers from red box over a tankard or two of frasquiera (lea and sandeman) 

1630: afternoon tea delivered from Cliveden served delectably by Primrose (the svelte mud shark) while carrie attends wilf 

1730: videocall from Rishi talking silly numbers but suggests more procurement deals 

1800: play taped excerpt from Peppa Pig to wilf before nodding off 

1830: pre-theatre dinner at Claridges (thanks Jamie Reuben)

1945:  Almeida Theatre for performance of Macbeth (Pete Cruddas) forgot to bring mask

2245: limo to Number 10 crash out knackered with bottle of montrachet (lea and sandeman again) 

2330: carrie attends to wilf

2345: deep sleep dreaming of Primrose

Definitions

Definitions

*Peppa Pig: (compound noun) a new community which the PM is promoting

 

Levelling up: (phrasal verb) government’s social policy which ensures that those at the top stay where they are and those at the bottom stay where they are 

Northern powerhouse: (compound noun) a mythical construct promoted by politicians (see below) during electioneering then ignored once the election is won 

Tweet: (noun or verb) an inflammatory comment deleted by the person who when questioned denies any knowledge of it

Sleaze: what the governing party claim the opposition does

Hi-viz: (compound noun) varied attire representing a vast range of occupations worn spontaneously by the PM on pre-arranged photo ops

Lie: (verb intrans) an utterance produced whenever PM opens his mouth

Northern Powerhouse Rail: (composite expression) a venture characterised by overpromising and underdelivering

To shapp: (verb, ambiguous) to express misleading optimism in the face of contrary evidence 

Second Job: (adj+ noun) what an MP does

BBC: (compound noun) an organisation unwilling to hold power to account 

Cakeism: (noun) 

1) wanting to look good on climate change by withholding cash from the transport system 

2) wanting to spend big and keep taxes low. 

3) wanting to leave the EU and to keep Northern Ireland exactly as it was 

4) wanting to hold the red wall and to keep giving preferential treatment to their own blue-wall faithful

Social Care: (compound adj+noun) 

a way of helping the better off such that the £86,000 cap on lifetime care costs leaves tens of thousands of England’s poorest pensioners paying the same as wealthier people

Business: (noun) which the PM says should be f**ked 

Falklands: (noun) island in the south Atlantic where refugee migrants to the UK could be deported (see Home Secretary)

 

Moses: (noun) another name the PM uses to describe himself

*Peppa Pig: (compound noun) a new community which the PM is promoting

Shambolic: (adj) any one of the PM’s speeches

Taxation: (noun) an imposition which many wealthy individuals (even encouraged by some Tory MPs) find ways of avoiding 

Home Secretary: (compound noun) no entry

 

Carriage Scene

 Sunak Waves Goodbye to Johnson

Sunak and Johnson

Scene: First class carriage on the Avanti Euston-Glasgow train, approaching Crewe

Passengers: PM, his entourage AND a nondescript individual standing unobserved with iphone and notebook in the corridor.

Ticket Collector: All tickets please.

Entourage ignores him while chatting and greedily consuming first class freebies

TC: TICKETS please

Entourage Member: (patiently, for it is Rees-Smugg) my good man we are all travelling up to Glasgow on important government business and have no need of tickets

TC: Even so you are travelling first class and you need tickets

R-S: (sternly) Do you know who I am?

TC: (addressing entourage) Can anyone help identify this man?

R-S: This man, (pointing to PM) is our Prime Minister.

 

TC: And I’m the Lion King who needs feeding with tickets @ £180 each single. 

 

PM: (opening another complimentary bottle of wine) Make mine a treble old boy.

 

TC: We don’t do trebles but I might be able to do you a special return, wink wink nudge.

R-S: outrageous.  Our party is ten x £180 which is …alas I flunked maths at Eton.

PM: Chicken feed.

TC: As long as someone else is paying, eh. Yes the ordinary punter has A TICKET and that’s what you need.  Otherwise you will be escorted off this train at Crewe.  So I’m ready for payment either by card or cash.

A bewildered R-S looks at PM who shakes his head.

PM: You pay old boy faciet stipendium as Pliny the Elder would have it.

R-S: With respect sire you never pay for anything, someone else always pays.

PM: Quite, and that will be you.

R-S: Oh bother.

 

Entourage begins confused mutterings, some try to rush for the door but nondescript is busy photographing.

 

PM: Quentin is that you?

 

QL: Yes PM I’m just about to send off some copy with photos of this jolly little scene for tomorrow’s paper.  Unless of course you come up with some consideration. 

 

PM: OK how much.

 

QL: that’ll be 10 grand plus an OBE.

   

PM: OK,  Moggsie pay up.

R-S: Oh lor.

 

TC: While you’re at it, just pop your pin into this little machine to cover the £3600.

R-S: (pays) Such impertinence.

PM opens another complimentary bottle

PM: Cheerio chaps and chin chin.