Carriage Scene

 Sunak Waves Goodbye to Johnson

Sunak and Johnson

Scene: First class carriage on the Avanti Euston-Glasgow train, approaching Crewe

Passengers: PM, his entourage AND a nondescript individual standing unobserved with iphone and notebook in the corridor.

Ticket Collector: All tickets please.

Entourage ignores him while chatting and greedily consuming first class freebies

TC: TICKETS please

Entourage Member: (patiently, for it is Rees-Smugg) my good man we are all travelling up to Glasgow on important government business and have no need of tickets

TC: Even so you are travelling first class and you need tickets

R-S: (sternly) Do you know who I am?

TC: (addressing entourage) Can anyone help identify this man?

R-S: This man, (pointing to PM) is our Prime Minister.

 

TC: And I’m the Lion King who needs feeding with tickets @ £180 each single. 

 

PM: (opening another complimentary bottle of wine) Make mine a treble old boy.

 

TC: We don’t do trebles but I might be able to do you a special return, wink wink nudge.

R-S: outrageous.  Our party is ten x £180 which is …alas I flunked maths at Eton.

PM: Chicken feed.

TC: As long as someone else is paying, eh. Yes the ordinary punter has A TICKET and that’s what you need.  Otherwise you will be escorted off this train at Crewe.  So I’m ready for payment either by card or cash.

A bewildered R-S looks at PM who shakes his head.

PM: You pay old boy faciet stipendium as Pliny the Elder would have it.

R-S: With respect sire you never pay for anything, someone else always pays.

PM: Quite, and that will be you.

R-S: Oh bother.

 

Entourage begins confused mutterings, some try to rush for the door but nondescript is busy photographing.

 

PM: Quentin is that you?

 

QL: Yes PM I’m just about to send off some copy with photos of this jolly little scene for tomorrow’s paper.  Unless of course you come up with some consideration. 

 

PM: OK how much.

 

QL: that’ll be 10 grand plus an OBE.

   

PM: OK,  Moggsie pay up.

R-S: Oh lor.

 

TC: While you’re at it, just pop your pin into this little machine to cover the £3600.

R-S: (pays) Such impertinence.

PM opens another complimentary bottle

PM: Cheerio chaps and chin chin.